“This is me, take it or leave” it isn’t a good date strategy for men over 50.
Grateful To Be a Man
I admit that when I consider the plight of single women over 50, I’m grateful to be a man. That doesn’t mean men over 50 that date, have it easy, but that their dating options are exponentially better. I date coach women over 50 and watching what they go through just to get a coffee date with a reasonably okay guy makes me wince. Noticing this process over the years has made me believe that my single boomer brothers have been resting on their gender laurels way too long.
The Numbers Work Against Women
The first problem that women over 50 face is that there are far more available women than there are single men over 50. The skewed numbers afford men a lot of leeway regarding their acceptability, while allowing women virtually none.
A craggy-looking guy who hasn’t seen his toes in years may still be considered a desirable date, but that isn’t entirely related to his numerical advantage. It’s also about how women choose men, which isn’t entirely based on looks. Unfortunately, the opposite isn’t true.
The double standard for over 50 dating is hard for women to accept. particularly since women nearly always come out on the wrong end of it. An out of shape guy over 50 isn’t nearly as hampered in his pursuit of a date as an out of shape woman. A gray-haired man is distinguished, while a gray-haired woman is just old. A retired executive guy is a prime catch, while a retired schoolteacher is just okay. The list of inequities is long and seems to be growing.
Rather than defend women, although they deserve defending, I’m appealing to men to consider a sense of fair play when dating. Your numerical advantage isn’t a licence to behave badly with women, and bad behavior takes many forms.
Attitude Speaks Loudly
A man’s dating attitude is a major issue that over 50 women frequently write about. God’s gift to women is an arrogant guy whose attitude says, “This is who I am, take it or leave it.” Where’s the fair play in that?
I mean showing up for a first date dressed in old shorts, a T-shirt too tight to cover your belly, and flip flops, shouts, take it or leave it.How you dress for a date, especially a first date, says so much to a woman that a guy should consider what statement he wants to make when choosing his attire. A clean pair of jeans, an ironed shirt, and a pair of shoes doesn’t seem like overdoing it to me, and your date will notice you made an effort to be attractive.
I’m not a fan of men footing all the dating expenses. I’ve always favored sharing the costs, at least until a relationship is settled to the point that who pays becomes a fair issue to discuss. Having said that, I hear from women who went on a burger date with a guy who insisted they share the cost when the check arrived. Hey guys, c’mon, a burger and a Coke, really? My first date with my partner was a terrific dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. When the check came, she reached into her purse immediately. I knew she understood how over 50 dating worked, and I told her I’d get this one and that she could get the next dinner check. I paid and she did in fact get the next one when we went out again.
While manners should be taken for granted, they aren’t because some guys still don’t understand the difference between women having equal rights and treating women like women. A perfect example that a client told me about recently makes my point. Her date picked her up at her door and they walked to his car. He told her, ”You can open your own door since you’re equal now.” Wow, what a complete jerk not to understand that opening a door for a woman has nothing to do with her equal rights. He was just being arrogant and his attitude ended any hope she might have had about his viability as a partner.
First Date Sex
For over 50 women, sex on a first date, just isn’t going to happen, and not because a woman is holding out or acting like she’s in control of your sex life. First date sex rarely if ever leads to a long-term relationship, and since women know this, they prefer sex with an emotional attachment. If you’re a guy who feels that a woman who fought for her equal rights, had a career, raised our kids, and nurtured lifelong friendships with other women, should somehow feel obligated to sexually satisfy a total stranger, you aren’t ready to date, period. Further, get together with other men over 50 and talk about first date sex if you ever hope to be ready.
Women over 50 are amazing in so many ways. I dated women my age exclusively and always felt comfortable sharing every aspect of a relationship with them. They’re smart, they don’t run at the first sign of trouble, and they know how to be a best friend and a lover. Treat them with respect and you’ll reap the rewards. It’s that simple.
By Ken Solin